I feel really dumb writing out things you already know. But it helps me understand how I am feeling, because things get really jumbled up inside me sometimes.
So, as you know, I am dealing with something and I do not know the severity of it. It could be very simple. Or not. But nonetheless it is making me very anxious and timid. You would think after being tested for years now I would be stronger in my faith and surer of myself, but sometimes I can’t find that strength.
I wonder if this is just one of those downhill trips I have to go through in order to go uphill again…
I really believe that coincidences do not run this world, but some days I find it so hard to accept things, more so than I do on other days.
Some days I just believe so strongly that I can storm through and look past it all…. Other days it weighs me down so much that I can’t even sleep.
I wonder if we are tested with what is our strength, in order that it is certain we make it through. Or are we tested with our weaknesses, in order that they become strengths? I guess it is all how you look at it, and whichever will help you get through your test more easily.
I remember reading something written by Yasmin Mogahed (please God, bless her because I love her!). She was talking about looking past the struggle we are in and not allowing that burden to drown us and keep us from seeing what we can gain from it.
Why are we in such a situation? What can we gain from it? What weaknesses does it prove we have?
Have we turned to You and acknowledged those vulnerabilities? Have we asked You for help? What strengths have we gained, or can gain?
Most of the time, these thoughts do not come easily. Nor do the prayers. But this route is much easier than taking its alternative, in which there is no one to rely on or trust in. It hurts, but I see the beauty and benefit in it.
If our sole purpose is to worship You, and we have chosen to believe in your Qadar, it is our duty that we wade through our struggles and confront them. It is easy to reflect on how committed we are to a cause when our lives are going well, we are healthy, and the people around us are loving and accommodating.
But what about when the real test comes along? Do we have enough grit and trust and hope in You to be able to carry on? Can we still see the world through rose-tinted glasses or do we become arrogant and impatient, simply passing time and awaiting our hurdles to move past us?
Rather than sulking or freaking out, which is my usual reaction, I need to take that time to re-examine my weaknesses. To strengthen my relationship with You in ways that I have previously overlooked, because hardship sharpens my vision so that I am critical of myself. I learn to backtrack and reconsider. When you feel like you are on top of the world, why would you want to look back?
And it is not easy. At all.
But I know this to be completely true (again, by Sr. Yasmin Mogahed):
“When they slept, He was awake. When they broke, He held you up. When every means failed, He saved you. When all the creation left you, He remained. He always remains. Never forget when the storms pushed you to your knees and there was no one else who could help you, He carried you. When you were broken and you swore this time it couldn’t be fixed—never forget who fixed it. Never forget what He saved you from. Never forget how He put you back together. That moment when you felt helpless and alone, never forget who never left. To forget this is the greatest heedlessness. No matter who or what may be beside you now, never forget those moments when it was only Him. Only Him. That is loyalty.”
And I pray to You, Ya Allah, to give me the strength I need. I know that You will not make me bear a burden that I cannot carry, so give me peace of mind and strength to grow and overcome this hurdle, physically and spiritually.
Make me not of those who turn to you only in utmost struggle, but ALL the time.
Keep me loyal to You.